A Conversation with the Devil

I want to try and share an experience I had last night while reading Luther's "The Bondage of the Will." I don't really have some lesson I'm trying to get across, I'm just trying to share my experience. I'm not sure exactly what sharing this will accomplish, but it was a profound experience for me, and I hope it is helpful to someone.

Some context: In the section I was reading, Luther talks about God hardening Pharaoh's heart in Exodus 7-12. His point is that, though we often try to reduce God to abstract concepts such as mercy or love, God truly is God and is therefore sovereign over all of us. He has mercy on whomever he wishes, and he hardens the heart of whomever he wishes. (Romans 9:18) The truth of the matter is that we have no rights in relation to God; he is free to do with us what he will, and no amount of effort on our part can change that.

(A couple notes: First, I really didn't experience this as a conversation until near the end of it. Most of this experience was more feelings and half-formed thoughts than words, but I don't know how else to convey the experience than as a conversation. Second, I'm not sure what I believe about the Devil and Demons in a metaphysical sense. I don't know whether Satan is some independent spiritual entity or just a metaphor representing the worst part of ourselves. All I know is that my experience was that of being attacked by Satan, whatever that means in a metaphysical sense.)

Satan: God’s will may lead to your destruction. Look at how he used Pharaoh or Saul to demonstrate his power! What makes you think that you’re any different?

Me: I don't know. I'm certainly not any better or more deserving than either of them. I have no right to salvation, and God has every right to use me for his purposes, even if that means my destruction. The fact that I'm concerned with that shows me to be sinful. It’s sin for me to think of self-preservation, to be concerned with the self at all is sin. It shows my separation from my creator because it is me drawing a line in the sand beyond which I will not cross. “If God’s will leads to my destruction, then I will have nothing to do with it;” this is sin. I must submit to God’s will, no matter what. In order for my will to conform to God's will, it is “I” that must die. “I” must be killed. Resurrection is my only hope.

Satan: True, resurrection is only a hope; you have no way of knowing if that’s God’s will for you. Just as likely, Hell is what God has in store for you. You deserve nothing else. God desires your end.

Me: Hell is all that I deserve. “We are all beggars,” after all. How can I expect to merit anything from God other than eternal damnation? (God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, watch over me!) Can I really submit to destruction? I know that I must submit to that if that is God’s will for me, but how can I? I guess it is only the Holy Spirit who can make such a change in me, to make it possible for me to accept my own death from God’s hand. I know I should ask for the Holy Spirit to give me the strength to face my own damnation, but I can’t bring myself to do it. Thank you, God, for giving me the Holy Spirit as my intercessor. (Lord, bless me and keep me!) I understand why some can’t face this and would rather that God didn’t exist than face his terrible presence, the awful reality that we are nothing before him. Maybe I, if only I deny him aloud, could at least live in ignorance and go blissfully to my damnation, even it the bliss did come by self-deception. It seems better than the alternative, which is to go to my damnation knowingly. (Oh, Lord God, keep me! Hold me, I am slipping!) My chest aches with the anxiety. Could I really deny him now that I have come so far? For 10 years, I have been preparing myself for ministry, can I really back out now? What would my family say? My friends? (God, is this your will for me? Are you even now leading me to perdition?) Must I accept my eternal damnation? (Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, the sinner! Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, the sinner! Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, the sinner!...)

Satan: You are the worst of sinners and all you can do is accept your damnation. Be a good creature; submit to Hell!

Me: Wait… I know what’s going on here! I know who you are! Begone from me, Satan! In the name of Jesus, get the hell out of here! (God, protect me.) [Epiphany] But, I… was baptized. I was baptized! I am God’s! I belong to him, and he will not let me go! How dare you say otherwise! He is my father, and Jesus is my brother… and my Lord, and there’s nothing you or I can do about that! How dare you try and convince me that I am nothing to God, that he doesn’t love me, that I am nothing more than a tool to him! What makes me think that I’m different from Pharaoh or Saul? I was baptized, and in my baptism God promised to save me! How dare you make God to be a liar! Let God be true, though every man, including myself, be a liar! (Romans 3:4) Who brings a charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies. (Romans 8:33) God himself said that “Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved.” Well I was baptized, and I believe in that promise. I am God’s, and there is nothing to be done about it. He is the Lord my God, and I shall have no other. (Exodus 20:2) Now leave me, Satan! Christ set me free for freedom's sake, and I will not again submit to your slavery of fear! (Galatians 5:1 Romans 8:15) I am free to be the person God created me to be. Free from my sin, from death, and from you. Now get the hell out of here!

Throughout this crisis, my anxiety built and built until I felt as though something were squeezing my chest. By the time I began praying the Jesus prayer I could hardly breathe, my chest was so tight. This pressure remained until I had my epiphany and said aloud "but I was Baptized!" at which point it abated immediately. I wrote down everything I thought/said as best as I could remember it.

Like I said, I don't really have a lesson to draw from this for anyone else, but it helped me to understand the significance of baptism in more than just a theoretical way (see my post on Baptism). It also helped me understand Luther more and what it means that the Law kills so that the Gospel can make alive. (Galatians 3:19-29). In this crisis, my fixation on my own failure was the voice of the Law, and the realization of my baptism was the sweet voice of the Gospel. According to Luther, it is in crises like these that we feel death's sting and are driven to despair of ourselves, so that the Law can do its work and deliver us over to Christ and his Gospel. I'll let Luther have the last word. Here is an excerpt from "The Bondage of the Will" which talks about his experience of this crisis:

"Admittedly, it gives the greatest possible offense to common sense or natural reason that God by his own sheer will should abandon, harden, and damn men as if he enjoyed the sins and the vast, eternal torments of his wretched creatures, when he is preached as a God of such great mercy and goodness, etc. It has been regarded as unjust, as cruel, as intolerable, to entertain such an idea about God, and this is what has offended so many great men during so many centuries. And who would not be offended? I myself was offended more than once, and brought to the very depth and abyss of despair, so that I wished I had never been created a man, before I realized how salutary that despair was, and how near to grace."